Time goes slower when you’re waiting for a microwave.
That’s why I always take a microwave with me when I do something really important or really fun.
I first noticed this theory when I was at work in the kitchens. There was a man in there waiting. He had 1: 16 on the microwave to go so I thought I’d wait. Surely we could make small talk for that long.
I smiled reassuringly as if to say, we can do this. We’re two guys that must have something in common, we do the same job for fucks sake.
He on the other hand seemed a bit nervous. Looking back now it must be because he knew about the microwave conundrum.
How’s your day going I ventured.
He paused for what a person that was not near a microwave would say was about 30 seconds.
Oh fine he said, with a look of desperation which I now know is because I was moving too fast, way too fast, not respecting the laws and times of the microwave conversation.
I looked back at the clock. 1:15. I couldn’t believe it, surely 30 seconds had just passed.
We continued talking while I did some calculations.
Much on for the weekend?
Another 30 second pause
Y E S M Y W I F E I S H A V I N G A B B Q
Why was he speaking so slowly?
I looked back at the time. 1:14, and I understood. It seemed that for every 1 microwave second it was 30 seconds in real time.
That meant me and this man were going to have to get through another 2,220 seconds. That’s 37 minutes of conversation, or risk losing my place in the microwave line.
And then another horror thought struck. Once my food is in someone else will come along and wait for their turn. Another potential half an hour.
We pushed through, and 37 minutes later we finished, dishevelled, stressed, my hair falling out and my phone out of battery from opening as many apps as possible to pass the time. I closed with
H O P E F U L L Y T H E W E A T H E R H O L D S F O R T H E B B Q
Bing, we were done, it was horrible, but it opened my eyes up to the possibility, the new power at my finger tips.
That’s why now I always do anything really important while I’m next to a microwave.
Toasters work too, but they can be a bit unpredictable. Microwaves are definitely the best bet, because you get an accurate formula on how much time you have.1:30
I used to microwave all the time. In the morning when I woke up to get a few extra minutes sleep, on the weekends, in the bath.
You know I spent the first night with my wife next to a microwave? The most special day of my life, which I didn’t want to end. I set the timer for 24 hours and we just lived, and God it felt like the perfect bit of forever.
I noticed that I was aging faster than everyone around me. I went to a doctor and he calculated that I was now 36 when I should have been 30. And that I’d greatly increased my risk of cancer from all the radiation. It’s tough, you know? It’s like I’ve found this amazing gift but it’s slowly killing me.
Now I use it sparingly. I have a young daughter so sometimes I get the microwave out over family holidays just to relish the time I have.
To everyone else I’ve lost a lot of years from my life, but I’m not sad, you know? Because you know what they say, a life lived next to a microwave is a life well lived.