I’m currently sitting in the British library about to write my first book. Well I’m actually in the cafeteria… They wouldn’t let me into the main section without registering, and I needed a bank statement with me to do that. And who the fuck carries bank statements around with them, except presumably bankers. That’s what bankers do right? Lucky bankers.
Other than the location, it’s all going very well. I’m about 400 words in, and while they’re not the best 400 words they are quite strong and are definitely on the right track. Not bad for my first try writing a book.
I think, at this rate it’s going to take me about 5 years to finish it, but I’ve given myself a bit of leeway and said I’ll have it done by 2020. I even emailed my friend Sam’s Dad who I recently told over a spot of lunch about the book, and that because he was listening to me talking about the book, that he would get a dedication. I let him know he might want to block that weekend out to gloat to all of his friends or some such thing.
The good thing about writing my book is that in 5 years when it gets famous and sells all the copies, I will have as much money as J.K Rowling.
And this is where the fun will begin.
When I have as much money as J.K Rowling, the first thing I’ll do is buy St Pancras railway station, and turn it into my own modern day castle. You hear lots of talk, amongst a certain type of people, about converted warehouses. Well I am going to convert a whole fucking train station. “A whole fucking train station? He’s mad” they’ll say.
To which I will reply “I’m not mad, I’m just rich, which is much the same thing.”
And if you’re lucky enough to have been to St Pancras, you may be thinking “Hey David, you know St Pancras isn’t a little hop on, hop off Station, it’s big. It’s really fucking big. It should be called St “fuck that’s big and impressive” Pancras.”
To which I will reply “Yes, but shut up, I’m rich, go an read my book again.”
Because the thing is, St Pancras is wonderful. Too wonderful in fact. Too wonderful to share. And that’s why I’m going to build a moat around it.
This may cost a little bit, but I think it will add on some extra value if I ever do decide to sell. I’m guessing when I’m rich I’ll care about things like extra value on resale of properties. Rich people are always talking about things like that.
The next thing I’ll do is declare war on Kings Cross station. It’s not that I have anything against Kings Coss station, it’s just that now I have a castle the next logical move is to declare war on something. Or so history tells me, and Kings Cross is a stones throw away.
My war will be merciless and swift, and no expense will be spared until victory and glory are with the St Pancreans, which is what we will be called.
Pending how the war goes, and how long it takes I think I’ll invest a significant amount of money in my friend Chris. He’s always coming up with great ideas like that time his McDonalds chicken nuggets got cold by the time he was home, so he deep friend them again, creating double deep fried chicken nuggets. Genius.
Or the other time he came up with the concept of food re-mixology, which is some kind of cooking show/ DJ set hybrid where you’re mixing music, and mixing food genres. Yeah, I’ll definitely invest in things like that. The sort of things others have decided not to invest in. I think those ideas are marvellous and have some legs.
I’d also like to buy a pirate ship, an island, and create a miniature city and spend the time my friends are at work, walking over it saying Godrilla, Godrilla in a Japanese accent. That’s when I’m not writing my long, long awaited sequel of course. And then when we’re all sitting at the pub after work talking about our hard days, I’ll be sitting there, in my Godrilla costume, mask off, just enjoying my hard earned beer.
Yes, that’s what I’ll do once I’ve finished my book.
Funnily enough I feel I’ve exuded quite enough productivity for the day, and have decided to leave the library cafeteria, and work on the book another day.
It’s time to meet everyone at the pub.
Great job David