“I can say unequivocally and without a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed sitting in my own living room. This is my television and these are my Doritos. Yes I’m naked, but why not? It’s my house! And the fact that you two are just stood there, staring at me, you sir looking angry, and you madam crying is making the whole situation feel quite odd.”
The middle-aged couple didn’t say anything. They just kept staring.
What could they say? At first they’d screamed in fear upon getting home and finding the naked man on their couch, watching Buffy and eating Doritos.
The man had yelled, the woman had yelled.
They’d threatened to call the police, and they’d asked nicely but nothing would make the intruder budge.
They’d even started bringing over different pictures of their friends and family they had framed around the room, but to no avail.
“A trick” the man had screamed, whilst looking at a picture of the middle aged couple’s trip to Disneyland.
“A particularly cunning trick in which you have clearly broken into my house previously and removed any pictures of myself and replaced them with you two individuals. A cunning trick indeed. I will be reporting this to the police and demanding all my pictures be returned.”
“We’re not burglars” the middle aged woman replied, her voice shaking.
“Well that’s what you would say isn’t it. And if I’m being honest with you it might seem like the truth, had it not been for the fact that I can’t remember what I was doing before I was here, and where any of my clothes are. What have you cunning con artists done with them?”
“We haven’t done anything… And I don’t want to sound rude but you do seem quite drunk, so maybe that has something to do with you not remembering?”
“You could be right. I do feel quite drunk. But that doesn’t explain why I’m naked and you’re here staring at me.”
“Well the thing is, it might actually.”
When the man didn’t say anything the woman continued drawing confidence from the fact that the he appeared to be seeing some reason.
“We actually recognise you, you’re the young man from 15. It’s the apartment next door. Sometimes we hear you screaming things at 3am.”
“Screaming things, what sort of things?”
“Well, there was the time it seemed you thought you were in Harry Potter and were screaming ACCIO followed by different objects around your house. That was a Sunday night, I remember because I kept falling asleep at work on Monday… it was a bit hard to sleep you see.”
And then there was the night you had some of your friends back and listened to that ABBA song on repeat for 3 hours. We were actually quite impressed that you managed to keep listening to it for so long.”
“And then there was another time when you were on your roof screaming “I’m the cherry on top, the sweet, sweet little cherry on top of the cake.” But you got down that time because the police came and sprayed you with that hose.”
“Ahh.… well that does sound like me…”
The man paused for a moment, thinking.
“Your house did you say? Well I’m terribly sorry, would you mind pointing me in the direction of my clothes? I’ll get out of your hair.”
The next day the young man walked out of number 15 and the middle aged couple from next door smiled and waved at him.
“They’re nice.” he thought. “People in London don’t say hi to strangers enough.”