Somewhere in Canberra there is a government department dedicated to coming up with solutions to basically any conceivable problem or national threat that could happen. Anything.
It’s called the Crisis Co-ordination Centre and provides whole-of-government situational awareness to inform national decision-making during a crisis.
They sit there and brainstorm a threat, and then solve it, just in case it happens, so we are ready.
(I feel it’s important to note that this department also comes with a caterer. I met her once. It seems the Australian government too is also aware of the universal truth, that no strong solution can be created on an empty stomach.)
I imagine the department works something like this:
“OK Paul, this week it’s your turn, what’s the threat?”
“Erm aliens invade?”
Aliens invade – we’ll do this. Aliens with grenade launcher hands – hmm a bit tricky, maybe this will work? Aliens with grenade launcher hands with impenetrable armour and strobe light eye blinding crotches– we’re ready. All because Paul and the guys sat there figuring out exactly what to do, and because their caterer made sure they had sandwiches.
It’s also important to consider why most don’t know about this team, and why these plans are not often released to the public.
One popular theory is because I’m making most of this up.
Another, possibly weaker in facts, is because most of the solutions to different problems probably include Paul pressing a red button that encompasses Canberra in a protective dome so that he, his colleagues, his family and his caterer live long happy lives inside the dome whilst the rest of us are mercilessly killed by aliens with flashy crotches, but that’s probably why they’re not released, so no harm no foul. Amirite Paul?
There’s a problem that I think we all need to know is being addressed.
What’s the plan for when the wild camels of Australia unite and overthrow the current Australian government.
I was recently told that there are twice as many camels in Australia as there are people.
This came as quite a shock to me having never seen evidence of it. Sure I’ve seen the odd camel parading around Rye foreshore after a break from the carnival. And yeah I know they are associated with deserts, which we in Australia have plenty of, but still you’d think we’d be aware of their masses and their potential revolutionary tendencies.
It’s the very fact that I haven’t seen them around that makes me think that they’re up to something worthy of investigation by the Crisis Coordination Centre.
If they were living normal lives, commuting into work like me, spending time with their families in parks, Barbecuing, enjoying Australia’s unhealthy and semi racist attitude to sport then maybe I wouldn’t suspect as much, but it seems to me they’ve gone underground… It seems to me that they might be different to us, and growing in numbers at what I can only imagine is a dangerous rate.
It’s for that reason in my completely uneducated opinion that our current peace can only last so long. So we have to do something about it, and the way I see it we have two options.
We send out a peace convoy offering the straw of friendship, we set up trading agreements with them stating they trade milk, meat, some of their hair, transport in their pouches etc. and see how they respond. Perhaps they could tell us why they have two humps? What’s inside their humps…Perhaps we can build a bright new future together?
Or total and unrelenting warfare. The war to end all wars, we spare no expense, and no camel survives to continue the line of camels that may one day seek revenge.
I pay my taxes (I think?) and I hope that pays the Crisis Co-ordination Centre to look out for me here and make sure we’re ready for the above courses of action.